I have found over the years that sometimes the best place for me to be is in a quiet place where I can kneel and ask the Lord for comfort, strength, and patience... but in the last 2 years a quiet place is hard to come by... unless I'm totally alone.
With this pregnancy I have found myself struggling to keep myself above water, trying to keep the part of me under control that I promised myself that I wouldn't show my children. On countless occasions I have found myself kneeling down not in prayer right away but to look into the eyes of a little brown eyed boy who I have wrongly hurt with my words of anger to apologize for how I acted towards him telling him Mommy shouldn't treat him that way and it was wrong me me. Nothing cuts deeper in my heart when my sweet innocent little boy tells me that he is scared... and the only reason he has is because he just saw/hears his mommy yelling at him. This subject I don't ever talk about but at this time I need to share my thoughts I feel lost and alone ... and when I turn to find a place to cry the Lord is who seems to always send my bright eyed little boy to me with his tender heart and gentle words asking ME whats wrong... placing his sweet little hands on my face telling ME everything will be okay....His light shines through Ethan's eyes and sweet spirit. My little boy is my life raft in times of my failing moments and struggle with patience. I can never express my love and gratitude enough to him to this day and the day he finds himself old enough to understand the struggles life will bring, I just hope I can be someone he finds in his times of struggles and heart ache to have comfort him.
I was really taken by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf talk on patience. He said
"As the Lord is patient with us, let us be patient with those we serve. Understand that they, like us, are imperfect. They, like us, make mistakes. They, like us, want others to give them the benefit of the doubt. Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer. Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels. Patience is truly a fruit of the Spirit. Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls."
These statements are not in the exact order he said them but these are some things he talked about that really stuck out in my mind. I hope and pray with all the faith in my heart mind and soul that I will conquer my struggle in the end... and I'm sorry to those who have been hurt by my impatiences.
Let us continue in patience until we are perfected.
5 comments:
Wow! Did you write this up cuz you have a camera inside my home...or inside my head? This brought tears to my eyes cuz I struggle too. I need more patience for my kids but one thing that I have come to realize is that I also need to have more patience for myself. Hang in there little sis! You are probably doing better than you think! I love you tons!!!
You will never know what that means to me to know that I am not the only one that acts that way! I thought i was alone out there, I always thought how can i treat someone i love with such disrespect! THANKS for that quote and for making me feel like it is human to act that way every now and again!
You are a great mom and I can promise you that he LOVES you more then you will ever know! You are doing a great job raising a precious little man!
Patience is hard for me, too.. and I don't even HAVE kids. :)
Being able to reconize the problem is one thing on your side. And being raised with the same problem is a bigger struggle. It is up to us to break the cycle. Being in Texas with you guys i saw how much patients you have. You are a fabulous mom. Just remember that we all make mistakes. It takes a bigger person to make the mistake but it takes a bigger person to reconize what you have done. You are to hard on yourself. Keep smiling. Thanks for posting that i needed to hear it also. There are days like that here in my home. LOVE YOU!
Thanks for sharing! You definitely aren't alone in these feelings. I wish I didn't relate, but I do all too well! Love the quotes... Thanks for that reminder.
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